Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not
that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got
syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'


'I'm sorry, but having a Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like
having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got
even half a scrotum it's not going to happen.'


'We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird
Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish
really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where
you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like
kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet
fighter. And lots of jelly.'


About the Porsche Cayman S: 'There are many things I'd rather be doing than
driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a
sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.'


...'the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying
there will be no war with Germany'


On the Alfa Romeo Brera... 'I only have to imagine this in black, with tan
leather and I'm nursing a semi!'


Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased
stick out of a pig's bottom'


On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
'there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't'
and its not 'soot'.
Hammond: 'So its fairly terrible then?'
Clarkson:'Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
league of badness!'


'the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite'


'Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what
gets you.'


'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw'


'Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable
than what... BEING STABBED?'


'The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible
was Adolf Hitler'


(Fed up during the caravanning trip): 'You aren't allowed to have a party,
you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games,
you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of
a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is
not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!'


(Mercedes CLS55): 'Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.'


'I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?'


Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain,
they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road,
some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an
obstruction.
Run them down to prove them wrong'


'I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a
reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari
pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a
car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet
faced, leaf-eating N**i.'


'Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
they don't have wheel-chair access'


1) 'If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the
air for 6 seconds and it takes 10 years to do what ebola does to you in 10
days!'
2) 'Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I mean the blokes a bit
dodgy'
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
'Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban
prostitutes which way her parents voted'


'Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!'


On the Lotus Elise: 'This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force
crashing into a firework factory.'


'Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and
that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate...'


In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it
on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their
customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.


'the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on
the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them.'


Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: 'you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come
apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!'
Hammond: 'I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph.'
Clarkson: 'What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the
phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a
lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!'


'Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a
murderer.'


'I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to
be on my plate at supper time'


'There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face'


'Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's
like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be
shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close
up of some bloke's sweaty face.'


'Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you
like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps.'


'you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to
stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
woman!'


Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
President.


Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! 'Honestly, I have seen more
attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel
with gingivitis.'

Quote:

'the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany'

Brilliant Stan, brought a wide smile to my face after being stuck in gloucester for most of the day because they closed most of the roads in the North due to flooding. I tried explaining that I had a proper car adn such paltry events as floods and earthquakes didn't affect me, but to no avail!

Keep up the good work!!

Did you not mention that you were also part dolphin

Nah, unfortunately had my "human" suit on ..

Nice turn of phrase - all of them.